Hidden Threats Exposed

By Dave Emanuel

This original article was posted in October of 2014-  a reminder that the nanny state even tells us how to roast marshmallows..and can take away our swings at any time! They are the hidden threats- or so the government thinks.

Original article

With all eyes focused on the myriad scandals within the Obama Administration, ISIS activities and the ebola virus, other threats to the well-being of Americans and national security are going largely unnoticed.

Marshmallows- the danger

Fortunately, internet news sites are covering issues that the mainstream media is either ignoring, or doesn’t even know exist. Americans can rest secure in the knowledge that writers like Patrice Lewis are ever-vigilant, and are bringing to light little-known threats. In her Commentary article, Ms. Lewis revealed the stupidity of the government’s ‘potential threat’ posed by not following federal guidelines when roasting marshmallows. But she didn’t stop there.

Ms. Lewis referenced the federal government’s response to the threat and included a link to a detailed guide to safe marshmallow roasting which also includes what is undoubtedly a Michelle Obama-inspired recommendation to roast food items other than sugar-rich marshmallows.

 Uninformed Marshmallow roasters

Apparently, the US Forest Service recognizes the threat to public safety posed by uninformed marshmallow roasters who don’t have enough common sense to realize that open fires are hot. The threat is especially troublesome because budgetary constraints have made it impossible for the government to deploy a corps of police officers who are specially trained in marshmallow-roasting. However, it has been rumored that regular park rangers can issue tickets for excessive marshmallow roasting, failure to roast completely and roasting while intoxicated (RWI).

As a preemptive strike against the potential dangers created by improper marshmallow roasting, the Forest Service suggests that they be roasted on a stick with a minimum length of 30 inches. However, it fails to mention how this can be accomplished if children are kept the recommended distance of 10 feet from the fire. Perhaps that will be the subject of the next U.S. Forest Service advisory.

Fortunately, Ms. Lewis did not uncover any covert plans by marshmallows to start their own fires or to launch attacks. Additionally, she found no evidence of MMDs (Marshmallows of Mass Destruction). So it seems that the only threats related to marshmallow roasting arise from people who aren’t smart enough to safely roast marshmallows without referring to federal guidelines.

hidden threats

A Bonobo eats a roasted marshmallow. If they can do it without a pamphlet can’t we?


Swing sets- prevention

We, being ever vigilant,  also brought to light the threat posed by swing sets.  School officials in Richland, WA were the first in the nation to take action against this insidious threat. Rather than issuing a “Guide to Safe Swinging,” the officials took the pro-active approach of removing all swing sets from school grounds.

As stated in the original article, “It’s important to note that swing sets do not appear to be complicit in activities that cause injuries, because according to sources familiar with swing-related assaults, (who spoke on condition of anonymity) most injuries result from people walking in front of or behind a moving swing. Apparently children in Richland are not taught that contact with moving objects can result in injury.”


However, while it appears that neither swing sets nor marshmallows are engaged in terrorist conspiracies, one can only wonder how may potential threats are brewing below the surface. Is Smokey the Bear truly working to prevent forest fires or is he part of a sleeper cell just waiting to recruit errant marshmallows? Having neutralized the swing set threat, are Richland school officials looking into the potential for a sliding pond/monkey bar attack? Which presents more of a threat by teeter-totters, teetering or tottering?

With such serious questions remaining unanswered, it’s no wonder that the federal government is unable to adequately deal with the ebola virus, unsecured borders, a burgeoning national debt and political unrest. I suppose it’s all a matter of priorities.